Jan 15, 2013 Where is my Destination?

Maybe it is due to the westerly wind that seems to resist me from going forward or, maybe it is the flat Meseta which doesn’t seem to offer me a sense of progress. Whatever the reason is I am weary all the way to the bone today. I couldn’t find any consolation why I am walking and where exactly I want to arrive. There was only this disheartening thought that dominated my mind while I was walking from Fromista to Carrion de Los Condes today. I have no destination! Under this notion of going ‘no where’ what should only be 13 miles walk seemed eternity and I couldn’t bear the oppressing wind that constantly whispered to me to “stop”. After numerous attempts to pull myself out of this pit (none of which worked) I finally (because there was no other option) surrendered to the ‘pit’ and decided to let it run its course through me. A sense of failure overwhelmed me, along with anger, jealousy and all those feelings I have been relentlessly fending off from consuming me. Yet, I decided to stick to my (only) plan and silently repeated the word ‘no conflict’. I will stay in this pit for now, without any conflict. As we came into the Carrion de Los Condes I stepped into the church of Santa Maria del Camino, set in the pew and offered my heavy heart: Lord, help me to accept myself as I am, without exerting so much effort to fix it, without wanting to be someone other than who I am. Lord, help me to unburden my former toil and as you instructed, ‘to shake dust off of my sandals and move on’. The westerly wind was still blowing hard when I came out of the church and a few rays of sunshine greeted me with faint warmth. I leaned over to my walking poles once again and joined J to find an albergue for the night. I think it is called Espiritu Santo. I could definitely use it!